I’ve heard many weird things in my lifetime and I’m perfectly aware that some of the things I say might be considered weird as well. However, there’s a slight difference between the words that accidentally slip out and the ones that can be wrongfully interpreted.
For example, I met an old friend the other day and after a short chat we both decided to grab some KFC. We haven’t seen each other for some time and we thought we should do some catching up. The thing you might not now about this friend of mine is that we used to date once, and now, two years after the break-up, we were in some sort of grey area.
Everything went great until we reached the counter, where my brain coughed out the most awkward thing to say in a crowded KFC Restaurant. “Do you think they sort out the cocks from the chicken before they turn them into crispy strips?”.
Both the girl behind the counter and my ex froze for a second and, while one of them blushed and smiled, the other thought I was making fun of her and left the restaurant. The main idea behind this example is that people often use their past experiences to refer to what you say. Yes, I admit to being a jerk to this girl in the past, but what I’ve said at the counter had nothing to do with anything. It just came out wrong… right into a feminist’s ear.
Anyway, our little get-together reminded me about the times when we were dating, and yes, meeting her brought back a list of 10 things you should never say to a woman.
10. “Are you sure you’re gonna wear that?”
Of course she’s sure! Duh!? She just wants to hear her own opinion but in a deeper voice… that’s your voice man! It doesn’t matter if she’s holding two identical dresses and asking you to pick-out the right one. It’s always a trap! Think about it this way:
She just spent the past two and a half (days) hours getting ready for a romantic evening with you and now she wants to feel good about it. The correct answer should bring out the fact that she’s beautiful either way, that’s if you want to see her naked later that night.
9. “You look like your mother.”
This one’s a real punch in the liver. For most women, ending up like their mother is literally something they are afraid of. First of all, not all of them are this scared, but you should keep in mind that these kind of discussions might make you feel like you’re walking on thin ice either way.
Remember that they want a strong, trustworthy and respectful man by their side and not some sort of lunatic that spots resemblances between her and her mother, friends or whoever for that matter.
8. “Is your friend dating somebody?”
This line will most likely get you punched in the nuts. Think of it this way: You meet a beautiful woman in a bar and you spend somewhere between twenty to thirty minutes talking to her, just so you can get to meet her “more attractive” friend. Boom!
What does that say about you? Even if you’re the master of “getting-out-of-trouble” they will both consider you to be a jerk from then on.
7. “Wow, are you gonna eat that?”
Auch! There’s no easy way to get out of this one buddy! Never EVER refer to a woman as if she’s eating too much, regardless of the size of her pants. Every woman treats her food as if it’s the #1 enemy of the state.
There are no exceptions to this rule! Don’t look it up, if you said it, prepare yourself for war. If you haven’t, listen up! They know exactly how much they’re gonna regret that extra chocolate-chip muffin and they don’t need a third voice in their head.
6. “I forgot my wallet”
You’re not in college anymore man! What? Do you expect her to pay for that large pizza with pepperoni you just “wrestled” with? There are three simple rules to this “dating thing”: 1.If you invite someone out prepare to pay the bill. 2.If you both decided to go out, then it isn’t such a big deal if you split the bill. 3.
Whatever happens, never leave your wallet at home. If you’re a gentleman, excuse yourself and FIND A WALLET! If you’re a deadbeat, lock yourself indoors until you find a decent job.
5. “Did you came?”
It’s basically the worst thing you can say after sex and let me just explain why. Even if you’re related to Don Juan, saying “did you came?” to a woman after sex is basically the same thing as premature ejaculation.
Don’t ask her this question just to feed your ego man! There’s no room for your ego while having sex! Instead, try to make her feel as comfortable as possible and you will both end-up in absolute ecstasy.
4. “It’s not you, it’s me”
No it’s not! Stop Lying! First of all, start thinking ahead! If the guys are waiting for you at the Pub, don’t jump-in for an “almost-quickie” with your girl. Women usually have this weird 6th sense and they can detect bullshit a mile away.
If you feel like getting it down on the floor tonight, then you’d better outperform yourself, or else, maybe you should stop dating ugly chicks.
3. “Is that a sin too?”
Whatever you do, don’t force her to do weird stuff! It will only make her feel uncomfortable and somewhere along the way to Pleasureville she will yell stop and sex will be out of the question for a few weeks (if you are lucky). Instead, try to talk about it… without being too assertive.
Try to find out what’s her point of view on whatever kinky stuff you’re interested in. Most of them won’t be too keen on trying it but remember that they are as curious as you are. You just have to know what words to use.
2. “You’re almost as good as my ex”
That’s like the worst thing to say to anybody. You can even go out to a random girl on the street, stare at her while saying this, and I guarantee you that the rest of her day will be ruined.
How would you feel if your girlfriend dropped this line on you (after sex)?
1. “Oops! I forgot!”
Did you forget her anniversary? There’s no way out of this buddy. If you have the memory of a goldfish, try using technology to help you remember things.
Write down her birthday or any other special occasion in your phone’s agenda and try to think outside of the damn box for a while. If this sort of thing already happened, then you’d better say “I’m sorry” John Cusack-1989-Say Anything-style.