It is generally expected that when one leaves college, one goes onto gainful employment and begins a career path that eventually leads to jets, houses made of gold, and a pet a tiger.
In today’s economy, however, it may be necessary to take an apprenticeship of sorts to gain experience to make one’s self more valuable to companies. Thus the internship becomes a necessary evil. Here are the most evil things about them:
8. The Interview
Voluntarily putting yourself in a position of exploitation is painful enough. Being forced to compete with others to do so is pure humiliation. Sitting in a crowded room with the applicants all vying for the coveted position of “Digital Executive Administrative Associate’s Assistant” makes you realize that this doesn’t happen in retail. Oh, and don’t forget the possibility of future payment.
7. The First Two Weeks
You are the trout that swam upstream past the interviewer bear: you are the unpaid intern salmon. Jump headfirst into interoffice politics with grand hopes that include networking and connections. Meet everyone in the office through the helpful “breeze-by-two-second-introduction”.
You now know your way around. Oh and by the way, no job is too menial, disgusting, or monotonous for those of us clinging to the bottom on the totem pole. Somehow, you know the first two weeks of sweat would be sweeter if you had a little cash at the end. Who knows, maybe one day?
6. Disillusionment
The hopeful optimism that you will no longer live off of soup and tears is dashed. You realize that your input is, in fact, not wanted, and you are now part of a cursed crew on board a sinking vessel.
Your payment will be a $5 stipend. However, one other intern is particularly hot, so things don’t seem all bad.
5. Office Politics
The hot intern gets preferable treatment from everyone because they are hot. I have fond memories of one intern who was held in high esteem for her “work” and by work I mean sub-par-glide-on-looks. The guy you thought was funny got mad when you didn’t accept his Facebook friend request fast enough.
And to top it all off your boss has taken to sending you out for perfect, unbruised fruit. This is what college prepared you for. Your degree lies in a fetal position in your room and cries softly.
4. The Wasted Talent
The skills you will take away from this internship are perfect for your under-construction resume. Who wouldn’t want an employee who could find perfectly ripe fruit? The fact that you can now spackle is the perfect complement to your Bachelor of Communications. Yes. Your soul is now crushed.
Look around, see the other workers’ souls being crushed. Watching the creativity of others being wasted is a painful thing, like watching Hayden Christensen try to convey his love for Natalie Portman.
3. The Indentured Servitude
You are now trusted enough to perform larger menial tasks. I take great pride in carrying a 52-inch Mac monitor nine blocks in the middle of a Manhattan summer. Yes, I did not even get a thank you but I knew, deep down, that it was for the glory of the office.
Yes, with sweat pouring off of my body and foul B.O., I had the eyes of the world upon me. Some would be embarrassed, but by this point I had no dignity. But I did it.
2. The Sinking Ship
What was once your opportunity to a full-time job is now a pit of despair; a place where hopes die a boring, silent death. You daydream all the time about setting fire to the building and killing your employer. It may be time to look for greener pastures.
1. Fleeing the Premises
The incompetence is so grand, so thoroughly ingrained in the office that retail and fast food joints begin to look appealing. You put in your two week notice with a sense of true relief. At the end of it all, you look back and realize you would never, ever go down this road again.
It’s the kind of experience that leaves you feeling as if you have just exited a terrible relationship. However, the celebration is short as you now realise that you still do not have a job and must, yes, apply for another internship.
